this makes me so uncomfortable
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Pretty much! 😂👀
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.