Wednesday
You Might Also Like
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
all that yoga finally paid off
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.