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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Meme Monday.