Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The Joker was right
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.