*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.