if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.