“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.