I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either