Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Black Friday “markdowns” like
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired