Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The “baby” on the left….
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!