“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade