Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
i dont have time for this
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.