[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Rather alarming headline…
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: