Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on