As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.