My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.