If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
You Might Also Like
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I used to be married, but I’m better now
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.