im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No