I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
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13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.