I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
termite twitter scares me
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
mom gave me mine for free
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Teach your children to beatbox
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking