“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Got him!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off