My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.