I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks