I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
i will not be silenced
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.