Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
#Caturday
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.