I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
You Might Also Like
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.