Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.