One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
get you a girl who
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water