[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer