“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?