*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited