*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body