“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.