It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same