Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.