The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.