4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?