I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude