lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up