Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.