I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.