The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You Might Also Like
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*jingles half the way*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”