People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Stonehinge
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad