Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?