[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before