Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?