Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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I’m sorry…what?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[Cop arresting a centipede]
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
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*clin
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
mumsnet is amazing
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Krampus.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.