Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Golf would be better with landmines.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line