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Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
the world’s most popular steaming services
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Finally!
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.