[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”